The whole (grain and dairy-free!) enchilada

It was probably a mistake to use this picture- *drool*

Yesterday, we were unpacking, because that is what we do. And SG opened a box labeled "Bathroom" and emerged, triumphantly, with the scale.

Oh scale. I didn't miss you, and the 5 months I spent without you have been lovely. But of course, SG has been losing weight effortlessly, and he wanted to program the thing and see how he was doing. Suddenly, he was in our bedroom, exhorting me to step on. "I put in your age and height- just step on, I won't look!" he promised.

I stepped on. And I have gained 10 lbs.

Cue horror. And then bewilderment because...just where the heck have I put it? My pants still seem to fit fine, and my tummy is actually flatter than it was before. I am not even going to turn to that old saw, gaining muscle mass, because it's not like I have been pumping iron. So....

Out came the measuring tape. Mystery solved. All 10 lbs. seem to have migrated south for the winter. My hips, butt and thighs, which I have never worried about (unlike pretty much seemingly every other women in the free world) have both gained at least an inch. Yeah, okay, my tummy and waist are both smaller, which is supposedly healthier. I will take it as an indicator that things are evening out. But I spent most of the evening feeling dejected. I've been so happy to just maintain, and I have to admit that a. I've been lazy and stressed, and my diet has shown that, and b. it's been time to step it up. For a long time. And I haven't done it. And it's time.

So this morning, I wrote all the measurements down, and I stepped on the scale and wrote that number down, and I went to the Whole 30 website and re-read the pertinent parts of the corresponding book. I evidently bought the thing in September- following one truly awful and stressful period of my life, only to jump into another horrible and stressful event after that. And even though I am still dealing with the aftermath of that- No more excuses. Enough!!! If I am going down in flames, I am going to look and feel spectacular doing it, dammit. 

Today I made chicken soup and Curried chicken apple salad, unpacked more boxes (blessedly scale-free) and did some pushups and sit-ups. The goal is to go for a run one day this week, and get some active time in every day. I think the hardest parts will be avoiding the scale for a month, and cutting out stevia, of all things. I am also not thrilled about having to turn the Kerrygold into ghee, which is on the list for tomorrow. And I admit, I will miss cheese. ("and this ashtray....and this-")  But I need to know I can do this. 

Breakfast/Lunch: curried chicken apple salad, carrots, cucumber slices
Dinner: homemade chicken soup

Enough chicken for one day. I think eggs and bacon are on for tomorrow!

Motivation, or lack thereof

I feel like I am the only person not jumping on some kind of new diet or detox bandwagon today.

Part of it is that I am still dealing with a borrowed kitchen, and considering the house situation, will probably be doing that for at least another month. And part of it is, unfortunately, that my parents have a huge New Year's party every year, and as we are staying with them, there are a metric ton of party leftovers. Gluten is simply not happening, but there are a ton of chicken wings and meatballs, which I would typically be dubious of: and I just can't bring myself to know or care what's in them. Fruit. Sushi from a Costco Tray- and dolmas with actual rice inside.

I have to go shopping, but there is zero room in the fridge. I am trying to convince myself that it could be a million times worse: I am not shoveling down the pies and chocolates and banana bread. But oh man, I miss having my own space.

Tomorrow, SG applies for a job he's spent a long time waiting for. Fingers and toes crossed! I am hoping that karma kicks in.

In the meantime, we are putting our lives back together, starting with the house. Hopefully, once I start renovating that, maybe I can renovate my eating habits! We contacted our homeowner's insurance for an inspection, and were advised that what happened to us should be filed under "vandalism."

The opinion of the property manager and the cleaning team that did our estimate is that the renters were running a full-scale catering business out of our tiny residential kitchen. Which is, of course, against the terms of the lease: breakage of the appliances due to misuse should have been on them, but of course, how would we have known? So we paid for all those replacements and repairs, and are dealing with the aftermath as well. I am hoping we can get at least some of the money back, plus more to repair the additional damage. We are currently living on savings until SG gets a job, so this is basically the worst possible time to do an overhaul like this. We are both doing our best to stay positive. DON'T PANIC should be written in large, friendly letters on my forehead.

Today we went and started pricing appliances. Countertops. Cabinets. So we will be prepared. I have sticker shock. SG is a lot more lavish than I am, I know I can get by with a lot of sweat equity and minimal upgrades- and at least I will be busy! I have time to paint and clean and rip out carpet and scrape ceilings. At least I would feel like I am accomplishing something! SG keeps talking about contractors. (Note: SG is insane. Lovable, but completely unreasonable.)  ;)

We meet with the property manager tomorrow, to compare notes and lists of all the damage. The inspection is Friday. I am hoping most of this is covered, one way or another. I am also hoping to get out and move- get some real exercise. We have been doing lots of walking- the ambling kind, looking at slabs of stone and wandering through home improvement warehouses and lumberyards- but that's not doing it. Perhaps tomorrow I will take the new bike out for a spin. I got lovely new baskets- front and back!- as well as a helmet and lights for Christmas. All that awesomeness should definitely not stay cooped up in a garage for long!

The Status Quo

SG and I spent another weekend away- back to the old hometown. I don't know if I mentioned this- SG put in his notice at his job earlier this year, for a lot of complicated reasons. We've been in Marin for four years, and I think we are both more than ready to leave. He still hasn't entirely committed to going back "home" and despite the fact that we still have a house (and family, and friends) there, the big drawback is that our hometown has been hit hard by this recession, and getting a foot in the door in the job market is going to be tricky.

We only have a little more than three months left, and I am doing my best not to panic. We took down a load of stuff to add to storage, spent a lot of time with his parents, saw some fantastic friends we hadn't seen in forever, and I feel like we ran around non-stop all weekend. Part of this is me: lobbying. I am the "social one". I want to move back. To me, it makes sense to show SG: "See?! We fit in! We would be close to family! The restaurants are amazing! All these friends that we used to spend time with would love it if we returned!"(I never claimed to be a subtle woman. ;)

 The San Joaquin Valley, and specifically Fresno- where both my husband and I grew up- have problems. Major crime, for one. Fresno is the car theft capitol of the U.S. Heat- if you weren't born there, I don't know if there is any getting used to it. Yeah, it's a dry heat, but when it's 111 outside in the summertime, you don't much care. Oh- and if you're single and in your 20's, forget about it. Historically, there's "nothing to do"- although I think that if you're inventive and keep your eyes open, that's not the case.

These aren't problems where we are now. Crime and heat are not really a concern in Marin, and there's lots to do. But- There's so much about this region that frustrates the heck out of me. A strange sense of entitlement. People are very much self contained units here- I get glared at, looked "through", a lot, for the temerity of being in the same aisle in the grocery store. Or maybe because I look a little different? I am heavier than most women here, flashier too.

Worse- When I thank a server in a restaurant for refilling my iced tea, or when the checker at the market asks how I am doing, and I say, "I'm doing fine: How's your day been so far?" I usually get a shocked silence, then, "Wow! Thanks for asking! They're not used to interacting with customers. This bothers me. It bothers me more when I go anywhere else, and realize that I am avoiding eye contact with people.

And the driving. OH, the driving. Actually, it's a similar thing. People act like they are the only cars on the road. I watch people pull stunts on the road multiple times a day, that they would probably get shot for back home.Once we got over the novelty, we realized the sad truth: we were living in a much more expensive area, and surrounded by beauty, but everything just felt so hostile that we hated to leave our own tiny shoebox of a house. So maybe we just haven't given it a fair shot.

I have met some lovely people here, too. But I miss the affordability, the "hominess" of Fresno. I feel constantly judged here. I miss the friendliness and the diversity, and of course, the familiarity. 

And in the context of Paleo, I miss that real farm-to-table experience. My grandparents were ranchers. The stuff at the Fresno farmer's market is the real deal- grown 30 minutes away. Organic Pastures  is practically in the backyard. The growing season there is pretty much year-round. From a personal standpoint: I keep thinking of the gigantic backyard at the house we are renting out now. And how many fruit trees I could plant, and have room to plant veggies!  Ironically, when I got to Farmer's markets here- guess where all the stuff is from? With the exception of a few stalls from Sonoma, most of the produce is from the Valley.

As the end of the year gets closer: SG is still trying to figure out what to do on the job front, and I am trying to get all my ducks in a row and not freak out.  I feel like we are on the verge of something huge. We're both "late bloomers" in the sense that I only recently got a sense of "What I want to be when I grow up", and he's still working on that himself, but I can see the progress being made. It's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time!

The Heat is On, Part Two

Oh Books. How do I love thee! Let me count the ways.

I can get a little long-winded, so I decided to make this a two-parter. If you want to read the first bit, you can check it out here!

Eat less and exercise more seems like a no-brainer. However, it definitely doesn't work for everyone.  It may address the extra weight, but not the cause of it. I mean, let's face it, if that's all it took, there would be no fat people. Because we all know, eating right and exercising is what you are supposed to do. It sounds so sensible. It rolls so easily off the tongue. I've done it, time and time again, and well- here I am.

The first thing that piqued my interest: someone on the MDA boards asserted that women tend to lose more weight with Paleo (no grains, no sugar, no dairy) than following a more Primal diet (no grains, no sugar.) What I have noticed as the main difference between the two- Paleo seems more permissive of natural sugars, like raw honey, and high-sugar fruits. In the past, they also encouraged trimming fat from meat- more due to concerns over Omega 3/Omega 6 ratios present in feedlot meats than fat content, but still- lower in fat, so definitely something to consider. And the dairy advocated by Primal enthusiasts is ideally full-fat- and raw. Also, fat is much-lauded on the Primal boards at MDA, as being "limitless".

So perhaps the additional fat present in primal eating- while great for some people- is sabotaging me, and other people (primarily women) in the same boat? If you eat a lot of fatty meat and full-fat raw dairy- that's a considerable dietary difference. As an example- there were periods of years (Formative years, of course) when I tried to keep my calories below 1200, and my fat intake below 10 grams a day. While it worked initially, I eventually couldn't sustain it. As soon as I deviated, BAM! I would gain. If your body has been subjected to long periods of low-fat dieting, it would make sense that your body would get really good at hanging onto the fat calories it could get, because you need fat to survive and be healthy!

As I did more reading, I ran across a few theories that would explain this. One I have mentioned before: "The Schwarzbein Principle"which is huge, as it is written by an actual endocrinologist- as opposed to some schmoe selling supplements on the internet. ;)  Her approach is to figure out if you have insulin resistance, hormonal imbalance, and/or burned out adrenals. General approach to "fixing" metabolism- eat balanced meals, eat starchy veg instead of grains, and slowly heal your metabolism. It seems common-sense, however, she cautions that it can take years.

I just ran across a similar approach, on a blog called 180DegreeHealth. Matt Stone is the blogger, and seems- well, a little crazy. I don't like the fact that a lot of anti-Paleo peeps have flocked there- they do quite a bit of bashing, which is pointless and annoying. Matt takes a few pot-shots of his own- I think it mainly targets the super-low-carb crew (I don't know, because I refuse to read the book.) The super-low carb advocates are on pretty much every Paleo/Primal nutrition board, and they do deserve to get called out, but I feel like attacking the whole movement is just sensationalism.

But he does have a free e-book (which I wish I could find to link, but it may have disappeared), and some of the stuff I read in there made sense. It advocates that you plan a month where you eat a lot more than usual. He refers to it as a "spa month" (which really, who can't get behind that? You may gain weight initially, but supposedly afterwards, sensible eating will take the weight back off again- and then some.  You eat a lot, you keep it balanced(sound familiar?), do short bursts of high-intensity exercise, sleep as much as possible, and take your temperature every morning. If your morning temps are low, it's an indicator that your metabolism isn't functioning optimally.

Sounds...well, if you're me, it sounds terrifying. But it's so crazy, it just might work! And I have to say, the temperature thing is where my ears perked up.

Back in the Dark Ages- maybe 9 years ago- I was still a newlywed. My husband had recently come back from a 6 month deployment to Q'atar- married a year, but together only half that time. We wanted to start a family. As I was still in my 20's, there wasn't a lot of concern at first, when it didn't happen. I ended up (what else?) buying a book: it turned out to be a pretty pivotal book actually, called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".

Every woman should have or read (or both) this book, and I wish I had read it as a teen, but that's a whole different post. The movie you saw in the sixth (or fourth, or fifth) grade doesn't even begin to cover it. One major thing I took away from it: your temperatures should reflect where you were in your cycle every month, so you could determine when you ovulated and have a higher chance of getting pregnant.

So I bought a basal thermometer, printed out the graphing worksheets, and started charting.

By Day 3, I knew I needed to find another chart, because the temps I was getting were incredibly low- so low, they weren't even on the worksheets I had printed out- not even close. 94.9, 95.2- I got really excited when I got up to 96 degrees. I finally asked my doctor about it, and they were dismissive. I just ran a little low. No big deal. I couldn't find any chart on the internet that reflected my crazy temps. So I made a chart in Excel. I know, right? Sad. I should have Photoshopped some icicles on that bad boy.

Things continued on that way- with me having a core temp similar to the average iguana- until I changed my eating habits. I started charting again a few months into Primal, and was startled to see that my temperatures were higher. They're still not "perfect", but they are at least on the chart, within reason.

So- the reality that a dietary change can increase morning temps was already planted in my brain. And while I am happy with the knowledge that my health and metabolism are better than they were, it seems like I can make progress, as opposed to just treading water.  It's pretty encouraging!

A friend of mine posted on my Lady Grok FB Page, to share another resource- there's a test that you can do, which can supposedly check you to see if your culprit is fat, carbs, or both. In my case, it's likely both (Since I have tried everything else).

I guess the conclusion here is that there's no "one size fits all" approach to the journey that we are on. It's just a little easier to have a map, and not be afraid to experiment! We'll see how it goes!

Exorcism

Hallelujah! I'm HEALED!

 I am pleased to report that I made it through Adventure Sunday with ZERO ice cream.

Back in the day, I would have gone on some kind of sugar bender, rationalizing, "Well, I already messed this up- better make the most of it! I'll start over on Monday."

There's been a lot of debate on Paleo blogs of late: There are some people who take an inflexible, super-low carb approach. Even FRUIT is gonna kill you. Blueberries- FORSOOTH! You eat dairy? Excommunicated! Urgh.

While some people like to pretend that Paleo is some religious institution (Mark and Robb can fight out between them who gets to be the Pope) I think people lose sight of the big picture. Why are we bickering? We're talking about health. Shaming people into wanting to get healthy does not work. People who are learning about something, don't want to learn about it from some inflexible jerk, who is standing over them with a ruler, waiting to slap their knuckles if they "screw up."

Voila! Starbucks!

The most fabulous aspect about eating this way is that screwing up can be a part of it. It's a constant process, an experiment you are running on yourself. I am a pretty good example of 80/20. I eat Primal/Paleo about 95% of the time. So when things (like the ice cream thing) happen, I can just take it in stride. The scale certainly didn't reflect it. And today, when hubby asked me about ice cream, I was able to happily say, "No thanks- I feel better without it. But how about an iced venti unsweetened green tea from Starbucks?"

This, x2. Good Times!

We went out to a nice lunch. There's a burger place near us that is decent- they serve something called a Mt. Tam Burger that has sauteed onions, cheese, avocado, and bacon on it. Typically I will order that, hold the bun, with a garden salad, no croutons, and Oil/Vinegar. Hubby let me order that plus an iced tea, and then told the waitress, "Why don't you just bring two of everything?" She said something sweet about the two of us being cute. Oh yes, we are FREAKIN' ADORABLE.

I could only eat half of that beast. Then we meandered over to Starbucks (instead of ice cream!) and took the truck to get washed. I was bored at the car wash. Taking pictures when you are bored? Good times.

Next, we headed over to the bookstore. I keep buying new knitting and craft magazines, reading them, and socking them away. I have been meaning to look at Paleo magazine, and figured, well, what the heck? I started searching, and enlisted hubby's help. Then we went and got a sales guy. He finally managed to dig it up- it was shoved allll the way in the back on the racks. We may have made sure it was more prominently featured before we left.

 Hubby was very taken with the blonde vixen on the cover. But evidently, other things are catching his eye, as he kept flipping through the magazine. Score! He asks me questions sometimes, but I am not up to answering more in-depth stuff, about the science of it all. I am really excited. Hopefully, the 60/40 he has been doing will get fine-tuned a little more. He was talking recently about how much better he feels when he avoids gluten. Woohooo! Progress!

Adorable tamari-filled goodness.

I was supposed to spend time with a friend of mine today, as she was coming into town. She texted to ask me if I wanted sushi- score! I filled up the on-the-go water bottle and poured tamari sauce into one of these guys (I got mine from Cost Plus):

There's a great place by my house that has great quality sashimi, undyed pickled ginger, and puts it all on top of a bed of shredded daikon radish. Perfect. Then we went to go see Magic Mike. It was indeed magical.

I came home to find hubby happily reading another magazine we got today: Cooking Wild. All about eating food you've hunted, fished, or foraged for. HE picked it out! He also announced that he'd ordered a digital 6 issue (1 year) run of Paleo magazine for us.Wow!

As days go, I have to say, this one went pretty well.

My Deal with the Devil

Those of you who know me- know my weaknesses. One in particular- Ice Cream. Even CRAPPY ice cream. It is my thing. Once again, I have to hearken back to childhood- if I was upset, had a bad day, got in trouble, whatever- dad would come knocking on the door to my room (sometimes I had actually barricaded myself in there) and say, "Who wants to go to Baskin-Robbins?" It's a strange symbol of comfort and forgiveness, the happiness of being a kid, and summer vacation. Plus, you know, it tastes good.

Ice cream is my kryptonite. I've tried the Coconut Bliss stuff, and it's just not the same. So I tried to keep ice cream- the real, high quality stuff- a manageable part of my life. I would only get a scoop of it at a time. Keeping a gallon or two in the freezer at home was absolutely verboten. 

So the other night, hubby and I went out to dinner. At the end of it, the server asked if we wanted dessert. I was going to hold out for my scoop of cardamom ice cream from my favorite place. But then I saw the look on my husband's face, and sighed. I got a refill on my iced tea, and he got a monster slice of cheesecake.  "I will take you to get ice cream on the way home!" he promised, through a mouthful of strawberries and graham cracker crust.

We paid the bill, and summarily drove to Three Twins Ice cream, but were greeted by dark windows and a sign that said CLOSED- just in case there was any room for doubt.  "Tomorrow!" he said. I really didn't have much choice in the matter. I had just had a giant salad, a steak and a sweet potato, anyway. I could hang.

The next day, I was scrubbing the bathroom, when he burst in at lunch time. I was red-faced, reeking of cleaning products, and wearing cutoffs and a ratty t-shirt. "Ice Cream?" he said, hopefully.

Ooh. Ice cream. "Yes, please!" I said. And off he went.

He came back with three pints of the stuff. Oh no! "I didn't want it to get all melty in the car," he explained.

So this was the beginning of the perfect storm. Hormonally, I was at that point (the ladies will understand) where I was fully prepared to inhale massive amounts of comfort food, and worry about the consequences later. I don't keep junk food in the house. And now the universe had supplied me with 1.5 (I shared) pints of delicious ice cream.  This is the point where there should be a red phone you can use to call someone to save you from yourself.

I ate my the majority of my ice cream allotment. I started to watch "The Artist", and noticed that my eyelids were getting heavy. I was having trouble concentrating. And that is the last thing I remember. I blamed it on a sugar crash, plus TOM tiredness. Mainly, I was mad because I paid $5.99 for that movie on Pay per View and SLEPT THROUGH IT. D'Oh!

I had to go in for labwork this morning. So I made sure after dinner last night (the next day) that I was careful to cut myself off at 8PM, because they were fasting labs. As it turns out, I had to drive quite a bit to get to the only lab that was open on Saturday. Since I have changed my eating habits, not eating for 16 hours is no big deal. I wasn't particularly hungry- Iwas hot, though, and definitely shouldn't fast after a blood draw. "I really should think about breakfast!" I said to myself. "It's hot, I don't really want eggs." And instead of "Salad!" or "Vanilla protein shake!" my addict brain went, "IIIIICE CREEEEEEAM."

I ate the ice cream for breakfast, and BAM! Sat down on the couch, and that's all she wrote. Call it a sugar crash, call it whatever you want, but that can't be good. Fruit doesn't have this effect on me, and neither do potatoes- my only source of refined sugar is ice cream, and it's looking like I can't tolerate it anymore, except in teeeeeny amounts. Instead of ice cream = comfort, I can change the equation to ice cream = narcolepsy.

I do need to find a decent substitute though. Time to get out the ice cream maker and start experimenting.

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

So....It's been a crazy, crazy, CRAZY couple of months. As you may have surmised, that new job I talked about? Got insanely busy overnight, and just sort of dropped the ball on a lot of things. In addition, I seem to have figured out (trial and error people!) that the Very Low Carb version of myself? Doesn't play well with others. To add insult to injury- my weight loss didn't happen. I kept gaining and losing the same three pounds for a few months, and taking involuntary naps.

I kept beating myself up about it, and somehow emerged on the other side with the realization that my health is the most important thing, and losing weight was just going to have to take a backseat to Things That Are Important To Me Right Now. (TTAITMRN.)

So I decided to write down all the crap I have been through, in order to accentuate the positive when I get down in the dumps about the freaking scale. And at the end of it, I thought, "You know- I am a success. I feel better than I ever have in my life, I am healthier, stronger, and happier, and- well, to hell with the "After" pic in the bikini."

I sent it in to Mark's Daily Apple.  And nobody was more surprised than I was when I heard back from Mark himself within a day or so, asking me to sign a release. The reaction to my story is still something I find amazing. I am still not at the end of my journey (Far from it!) but am thrilled that my experience rang true and seems to be helping other people. And there were so many kind compliments about my writing, it has made me want to get to work on this blog again- and maybe even take it to the next level! We will see.

In the meantime, I have tweaked my eating habits yet again. Not super low carb- a serving of fruit daily, and some starchy vegetables (squash and jicama are faves), along with limiting dairy to cheese and butter, plus working on cleaning up my food sources. Everything is organic, and if it's meat, at least 80% is pastured and locally raised.  So it's actually closer to standard PB protocol, and I am cautiously optimistic! Because the scale appears to finally be shifting a bit.

While it is within PB parameters, the general guidelines come from an endocrinologist, Diana Schwarzbein, and her book, "The Schwarzbein Principle".  Dr. Schwarzbein has worked with many people who have damaged their metabolisms with low-fat and low calorie yo-yo dieting: something of which I am definitely guilty. She explains in detail how such dieting messes up your hormones, and how you have to get your hormones back into balance before you can get your body into a state where it is willing to lose weight. It made sense to me, so I am going to continue down this path, as it really isn't a big change for me!

Jumping into the pool

 Beef. it's what's for dinner.

Since I have finally managed to regather the fragile threads of my life and Get back on track, here's a brief synopsis: Between recovering from that liver cleanse and starting a new job (which got busy really fast!) everything in my life went haywire. My life, my hormones, my schedule and habits, all went into a tailspin.

It looks like my body was under so much stress due to cutting out sugar and then the liver cleanse on top of it, that certain vital systems just shut themselves off. Guys, you may want to cover your eyes, but I had a 55 day cycle. So about three weeks of PMS, on top of everything else.  Finally, things have stabilized, I feel much better, my morning temps aren't veering crazily up and down, and I am feeling like my old self again. I am also doing my best to nip the recurring old habits in the bud. When you're stressed and tired and pressed for time and the kitchen is filthy, and you're premenstrual, Cheesecake Factory for dinner sounds like a fantastic solution. And it was the go-to solution, along with any other restaurant, much more often than it should have been.

I am loving most aspects of my new job, and am happy to say that I got a small but important raise yesterday, along with the info that we may be hiring a new person in my territory, which is good, but a little overwhelming. Since my workload doubled the second week I started the job, and seems to be constantly growing, it makes sense.

But yes, back to the whole "pool" thing. In reclaiming my kitchen, I have made a few vows to myself- smaller shopping trips more often, mindful eating (as opposed to chowing in front of the TV or on the run), and tracking everything once again, as it fell out the window while my life was in upheaval. I also want to be able to count on a steady supply of quality grass-fed protein in the freezer, hence, cowpooling. The last go-around, I met up with a bunch of people I didn't know, who were commenters on MDA, and it actually worked out pretty well.  In fact, I feel guilty: we ended up with a grass-fed rib roast (I had requested roasts as part of our share) which would have cost as much as we paid for our entire share, by itself! We didn't realize that until we got home, as it was all flash frozen and doled out in bags. It was a great deal, and a wonderful resource to have access to, as well as a considerable savings. I posted it on Facebook: I have quite a few Primal and Paleo friends who might be interested, but if nobody bites, I'll go back to MDA. Or I think there are even a few websites, although the first one I looked at, cowpool.org, seems to be just for folks in CO.

Screeching Halt

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

 

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my visit to the naturopath today. And it sounds a lot better than just a long stream of profanity. Thanks, Charles Dickens!!

 

After processing all the info, this is what I got out of it: summed up in excerpts from the email I sent to the acupuncturist.

"Well: not so good.  I will send you the labs once I get them scanned but this is the Reader’s Digest version.

First, my cholesterol is 309.  HDL: 83, LDL 202. (Holy crap!) That's a 100 point rise since I was tested in 2010. Trigs at least, are normal at 121.

I have a zinc deficiency, and something major is amiss with my liver. Uric Acid and GGT are both off the charts.- The range on Uric acid ends at 7, and mine is 7.9. GGT should be between 3 and 50, and mine is 80. This may explain why I occasionally levitate when you hit that Liver point around my feet/ankles. It’s not stress, it’s my super-angry liver. 

Free T3 is on the low end of normal.  I am also slightly anemic, which I expected.  Some good news: my immune system seems to be iron-clad. All my blood ratios look good, except for iron.

While I know you say FSH is only valuable in Day 3, mine was at 43.1, which (per the lab sheet) puts me in the “post menopausal” range. As someone who is only 37 and would like to eventually have children, this is...disappointing. Also, my blood glucose was high.  

So, the good news:  We were right about my thyroid being juuust a bit wonky.  He has given me (piggy) thyroid pills to try, at a dosage of ½ grain a day. He says those work more naturally with the body than synthesized T3. I am supposed to start taking those after a 5 day liver cleanse.  I’ll send those sheets over too. Looking over it, I’ll be drinking herbal tea and taking a tincture, as well as eating a lot of organic fruit, fresh squeezed juice, and veggies.  Oh, and taking a laxative (so not happy about this!) in order to help kick out toxins. He says that the imbalance in my liver would affect my hormones and everything else, and the resultant inflammation may be the reason my cholesterol is so high. He also said that my blood glucose levels indicate that my body doesn’t utilize sugar/carbs well- which is one of the reasons I gain weight so easily. My body is a "hoarder".

The consensus was that this is all fixable, and we’ll be testing at intervals to make sure that we are getting things right. He gave me a B-12 shot and all my little bottles and sent me on my way.  

Thoughts?  I am experiencing a strange mix of relief (I am not crazy) and frustration (this better freaking work, dammit), but I would like your input on this."

When I got home, I laid it all out for SG, and he helped me to see the bright side of the situation, which is that it IS fixable, and that we should take the opportunity to go out and get burgers with sweet potato fries at The Counter. I had a few sips of PB shake too, and it was sweet in a horrible way, so evidently, I have kicked sugar for good. I will take comfort that eating this way for a week for cleansing purposes will just be like Grok had a bad 5 days of hunting. (And I am sure SG is dreaming of the inevitable pizzas he will order while I am on my fruit, veggie, root, and bark "liver cleanse".)

I have to admit, there was a moment when my naturopath was explaining this plan to me, and announced, "And people often lose quite a bit of weight doing this!" and I made a very unattractive snorting noise. He looked affronted. I was surprised by how UPSET I was to derail the way I have been eating, and how scared I am to do it. I did finally lose the last of my "Christmas weight", and I credit my discipline thus far with helping me to do that. It's still Primal: not necessarily low carb, but 5 days is certainly not going to kill me. Right?

Melting

I had a meltdown last night. A lot of it had to do with those awful pictures I took. Poor SG kept trying to talk me down, and I just kept freaking out. I feel like I am deluding myself. All these grand plans and resolutions, all this effort, and I have only managed to lose 15 lbs after nearly 3 years of eating Primally. Granted, not being able to exercise (aside from walking) is probably a big part of it.

Another part: when I finally picked up the PB, conventional wisdom had utterly failed me. Caloric restriction and heavy cardio had no effect on the climbing scale, and it wasn't muscle gain, not at over 200 lbs. When I went to the doctor, they got my thyroid results back, (all clear) and told me I wasn't being honest with myself.  

So here I am: leptin resistant, and feeling helpless. Trying to heal the damage I have inflicted on my body (Damage I inflicted in the name of getting healthy!) the best I can. This is why weight is a crappy measurement of health, because I am in a much better place than I was when I started my weight loss journey. At 250 lbs, I had no clue I was gluten intolerant. I had no idea that my facial breakouts and blotching were the result of my diet, I thought it was normal to be sick all the time, and I had honestly accepted my fate.

And then, I went to a big family gathering, and this picture was taken. SG and I had been married for a few years: he'd had no weight problem beforehand.  Both his parents have type 2 diabetes, though, and they are both big people. And when I saw this picture, and realized that I was just going to get bigger, and bigger, and that I wasn't just doing this to myself- that was it.

Conventional wisdom worked well: at first. I got down to about 211 lbs: and I did it through eating 1200 calories a day and frantic cardio. If I missed a day or ate a meal in a restaurant, I would gain. I was incredibly cranky all the time- probably because I was starving.  At least I realized that fat improved satiety, and so I would allow myself 1/2 c. whole milk on my double serving of Fiber One (plus a Splenda packet) every day.

But if I ever broke routine, I would stall. Or gain. And eventually, even if I continued the routine, I gained: no matter what.  And then my hair started falling out. I got recurrent infections. I was a stressed out mess, and nothing I tried seemed to help. The doctors I went to couldn't find anything wrong, and decided the answer was "stress." Great.

To put things in perspective,this picture was taken after I had been eating Primally a little more than a year and a half. Even though SG was only riding my coattails foodwise, the difference is kind of amazing. I am 15 lbs. lighter in this picture, but to me, it looks like I've lost twice that amount. The horrible puffy, blotchy face is gone. I have a waist again. And I felt so much better!

So: even though I am not having the weight loss that I want: I can never go back. I accept that all I can do is try to be healthy as possible and heal my body.  And perhaps my appointments this week will help to explain why that hasn't happened yet. That instead of being a cause of my health problems, my weight might be a symptom. It's such a convenient answer for everything...in a strange way, I am terrified that I will finally have an answer. That the thing that I have constantly fought, and which has essentially poisoned my life in so many way, ever since adolescence, could actually be explained, and dealt with. It may be irrational, but I never said I was rational in the first place!!!

The good news today:  I survived a trip or Trader Joe's (heinously crowded!!!) AND 1/4 of the Christmas weight I re-gained is gone. I also met all my New Year's goals yesterday. Perhaps subconsciously, none of my goals were to lose weight- they were to walk daily with the dogs and SG, to weigh in and log my food daily, to blog 3-5 times a week, to be in bed by 11PM, and to follow the Leptin Prescription and cut out sugar. If I do my best, and still don't lose weight, at least I will be healthier at the end of it, and know that I am doing my best. Good lord, I sound like a sappy Hallmark card.

Face the fear and do it anyway.

I need a few more exclamation points (and maybe a few more o's) to appropriately convey just how much I hate having my picture taken.  The advent of Facebook has made it worse: as someone who has always struggled with her skin and her weight, any photos, candid or posed, are a source of unending horror. Renegade zits and bulges are tough to hide.

I've dieted my whole life, pretty much, and never taken an official "before" photo. You know, the one where you're standing there in clothing more revealing and less flattering than anything else you own, usually complete with Death Stare or sheepish grin. 

I took those photos last night. My husband took them for me. Being a seasoned photographer, he checked each one and winced after peering briefly into the window.  I suspect they are gruesome, and the idea of seeing them larger than life and in horrifying detail (thanks fancy camera) is more than I can bear right now.  So they are waiting in all their *cough* glory for me to look back at them at my leisure.

My beloved asked, "Where do you want me to put these?" and my honest response was, "In a cement bunker in an undisclosed location."  Taking them was like an out-of-body experience. The automatic sucking-in-of-the-gut is a more difficult response to avoid than I had anticipated. And the post-prandial timing, harsh lighting, and exposure of my never before seen on film tummy pretty much assures that  every bulge and ripple is documented in living color. Also, from the front, side, and back. (Oh my GOD, what was I thinking?!!!)

Before I go off the deep end and dive into the pool of self-hatred, I do have a plan. While I ate an non-ideal diet over Christmas (and gained 5 more pounds, yay!) at least I avoided the worst of it, including gluten. These pictures will show a baseline that I can return to when I am frustrated down the line. Measurements and photos don't lie the way the scale can, and I am using both to keep me honest and moving forward.  And strangely, knowing that it's over and done with and I am moving forward from this point: that it's just a benchmark- is strangely freeing.

I am moving forward with my plans to visit a naturopath: I see him on Thursday, and the acupuncturist again Wednesday. I'm right back on track with my Bulletproof coffee and 50 grams of protein at breakfast- these photos leave no room for doubt, I am leptin-resistant, and have no business IF-ing. Logging my meals on Sparkpeople (tracking protien and carbs, not calories) is oddly satisfying. My daily walk with Sir Grok and the dogs is something I look forward to, and I am enjoying the prospect of leafing through my new Paleo cookbooks and hitting Trader Joe's today. My new Fitbit will be arriving on Wednesday. It's a strange feeling, but we're moving forward!

Welcome 2012!!!

   I spent a large portion of the last year just waiting, WAITING, for 2011 to be over and done with. Last year kicked off with news that a gang of teens had broken into what used to be my grandmother's house for an illicit New Year's celebration, and caused $20,000 worth of damage. Talk about a harbinger of doom! Luckily, they weren't geniuses. It's definitely a mindbender to see a picture of some teenaged guy in front of your grandma's cabinets. In his underwear. Which he's used as his Facebook profile picture. Oops!

The rest of the year involved a lot of familial strife: nothing too horrible, just incredibly stressful. A lot of people I know and love are struggling financially, fighting lawsuits (these things are often linked) or just otherwise in limbo. My husband and I tend to procrastinate: both of us. I know it's human nature to avoid the unpleasant stuff on the list, but we both tend to take it to extremes. Last year served as a reminder that when you put off the unpleasant stuff, it will still eventually have to be dealt with- and in our case, all at once.  I am just glad we have gotten most of the way through it, and I see 2012 as a grand opportunity for all the legwork and struggle and waiting of the last year to finally come to fruition.

So Happy New Year to you and yours! I have my resolutions made (one of them has to do with blogging), and I am feeling pretty good about what's coming up next!