No Tomfoolery.

No Substitutions!

As my last post indicated, we have been slogging for quite some time. Trying to write while you are out of your mind with worry is- for me, pretty much impossible. It seemed like everything that could go wrong was either already off the rails or going there in a hurry. Which doesn't typically make for fun-filled reading.

 If there's a bunch of trauma and turmoil, it needs happiness at the end to make it worthwhile for the reader.  While I admit, happiness has been in short supply, at least we are working our way back to a point where every day is relatively normal. Knock on wood!

So we have spent the last three months cleaning up the shambles the renters made of our house, getting back into routines after the move, and dealing with the reality of living and staying Paleo- on a rapidly diminishing budget, while we both looked for jobs.

The good part is, I love my revamped home, particularly the kitchen. We are eating out a lot less, and we are a lot more active. SG has gone from 60/40 to 80/20 Paleo, and immediately lost his seasonal allergies and a good portion of his spare tire. He's heading back into the military, to get his retirement in 6 years, and get into a field that I know he will be great at!

Since the scale is still packed away somewhere, I hesitate to make any wild claims about my personal situation, but I have noticed that my own tummy seems to be flattening out a bit, my hormones are calming down (I think all that stress did a number on me), and my face is not as puffy. And I have a promising-looking job interview tomorrow. Hooray!

The bad part: when you are faced with little money coming in, working full-time on remodeling your own house, dealing with insane tenants who claim that they cleaned, so they want their entire security deposit back, and carrying a property that isn't selling, you have to take a look at your rapidly shrinking bank account and decide that something's gotta give. Which leads me to the chicken.

Confession time: We'd stockpiled a freezer full of pastured stuff from Tara Firma Farms, which we brought with us when we moved. But as of a couple of weeks ago, we'd reached the end of it, and were at Costco. And we needed chicken.

Now, they have good quality chickens at Costco. We've bought the organic ones from them before. But they are at least double the price of Foster Farms. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I decided it was time to suck it up, and get the "regular" chicken. And yes, I felt guilty.

Yesterday, I did my usual thing: Crockpot "roasted" chicken. I used all the same seasonings. And yet...

It just wasn't the same. I know the chicken hadn't gone bad, but what typically is a delicious roast chicken odor was underlaid with something- off. And eating it was off too: it seemed really bland, but gamy. And there was a staggering amount of fat in the bottom of the crock. I thought I was just being a weirdo, until SG commented: "Don't take this personally, but did you do something different to the chicken? It tasted a little weird."

I think we've been converted.  We'll just eat less meat, but the better quality stuff.

Okey dokey!

Well...we finally have some closure. The house inspection was today. We met up with both the property manager and the insurance adjuster. Going through the cabinets, we found a bracket for an industrial fire extinguisher, as well as extreme heat damage under all the stove burners. Further indication that our house was being used for a catering business, which violated the terms of the lease.

I feel like I am coming out of my post-holiday funk: Finally! SG keeps talking about joining a gym. Believe it or not, after 4 years away, our old gym membership is still "holding", so we may just see if they can cut us a deal for us to reactivate. Gym visits would add a lot of much-needed structure to our days here, while everything gets straightened out.

SG has been feeling "off." I suspect the culprits are the appetizer meatballs leftover from the party. His face is puffed up, and he has bags under his eyes and is sniffling. I have only had one or two, and I am a little off, but not struggling as much as he is. It's time to start tightening things back up again. I can tell there's a definite difference in how we feel: just sluggish and tired. (Of course, some of that might be stress, but food isn't helping!)

We went out to dinner last night, and my Mother-In-Law asked if there was a Paleo cookbook I would recommend. So we dropped off our copy of Practical Paleo for her to look at today: something I am very excited about!

I am also getting ready to look out in the freezer at the meat we brought with us. I need to start cooking- I miss it. I can't keep making the excuse that we are in someone else's kitchen. So it looks like we will be getting back on track as much as possible soon. I can't wait. 

What rhymes with Turkey? Murky...jerky...Albuquerque...

I have been thinking. About turkeys.

Part of that is seasonal: it has been on my mind, as Tara Firma Farms has been sending me notes about reserving one of their pastured turkeys for Thanksgiving. As someone who usually goes to a residence where the turkey is provided, buying a turkey is not something I usually think about.

To be honest, the last time I "bought" a turkey, I don't even know if it counts. I was in college, and Nugget Markets offered Turkey Bucks with your purchases. My roomies and I all pooled our bucks, and I think we ended up "earning" two 20 lb. behemoths. Gobble gobble!

So in my previous life, turkey has always been free. Per my meat CSA, a pastured bird was a $50 deposit, plus more if we ended up with a serious fatty. And the way my family traditionally cooks turkey, it would end up submerged in peanut oil, which seemed- unfortunate- and then stuffed with a grain-based stuffing. Their house, their rules. Plus, I am not a "turkey fan", really. So I didn't rationalize pulling the trigger.

But: I started reading "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle", and her chapter about turkeys brought me up short.

Evidently, 99% of modern turkeys bred for meat are all the same variety. They are known for being amazingly stupid, and they have been bred for docility and a tendency to put on massive amounts of weight, particularly around the breast region (woo woo!) and to do it all with corn and soy meal.

Evidently, they are so large and docile, they will not have sex, and must be artificially inseminated.This is especially important because they can't survive much more than a year anyway: much beyond that, they get so heavy, that their legs will be unable to support their own weight.

I was reading this to SG in a tone of righteous outrage, and evidently, he has been there, done that. "It was on 'Dirty Jobs'!" he chuckled. "Turkey sperm collector was one of the dirty jobs." Holy crap!!!

If that's not a macabre portrait of what's happening to America, I don't know what is. To the government, and the people who control our food, we are the turkeys.

These animals have been bred for this, generation after generation. It really disturbs me that we are eating a bird that is so highly specialized and inbred, it can't survive or reproduce on its own. It reminds me of the "Chickie Nobs" from Oryx and Crake: (another amazing book, if you haven't read it).

  Compare this with the wild turkeys I see around here. They are smart enough to avoid being hit by cars or eaten by coyotes or vagrant Labradoodles: and smart enough to be considered aggressive when threatened. (The ones in my backyard are also smart enough to live in Marin County, where people wouldn't dream of quietly shooting them in the tailfeathers and serving them up as dinner- except for bloodthirsty little old me.)

The turkeys you see in every Thanksgiving illustration: the vivid wattle, and variegated plumage- right? Sadly, that's not what is on the table, minus feathers, head, and other sundry accoutrements.

These are the turkeys 99% of us eat at Thanksgiving.

The video below will give you even more incentive to try to locate a wild or pastured turkey- if only to protect the nice lady at your local news affiliate. Suddenly, I am realizing where they got the inspiration for the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.

Food for thought. I'll be calling to place my order tomorrow. 

Uh Oh...

As someone who has been doing this for awhile, I don't consider Paleo to be a "fad". But we're going to be getting a lot more backlash soon. My prediction is that Paleo will be the hot new diet "trend" of 2013.

The reason?

Wheat Belly is currently #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, in the "Hardcover Advice and Misc." category. And Practical Paleo is at #7, in the paperback division of that same category.


Holy smokes! I suppose I realized (when I spotted the stack of books above at my local Costco) that we had really hit the big time. But giving some thought to it has brought me to this point. Things are going to explode- and soon. Any day now, I expect to see Robb and Mark and everyone else on Good Morning America, along with a whole bunch of success stories in the flesh. Weight Watchers should be quaking in its boots.

So: get ready. January 1 is just around the corner, and you know what that means. You're going to get a lot of questions about Paleo from people you know, the online message boards are going to be flooded with people asking questions about pork rinds and whether whole wheat counts as a grain, and whether all the fat will cause them to spontaneously combust.

I am steeling myself to be nice to those people: to deal with them gently, to steer them in the right direction, to close my eyes and count to three when it's obvious that they haven't actually read anything, and to not snap when they get upset because they "can't live without bread!".  It would be easier to avoid (AVOID! AVOID!) but that unfairly puts the load on the people who answer those questions day in and day out anyway. 

I was once one of those people. I tried everything. Every year, it was something else- sometimes, several something elses. This is the only thing that's ever stuck: It will be three years in March! And while I have gotten to spend those three years sitting back and absorbing truly alarming amounts of info: I remember the handful of people who actually took the time to stop and give me a generous, sincere, and helpful answer.  I remember the crappy ones, too. So please- be kind. ;) 

When I started out, very few women were eating Paleo: or if they were, they didn't post a lot on the boards. I also learned the hard way that asking for help seemed to automatically place you in the "st00pid n00b" category: even when I was anything but. Because so many people didn't didn't do the research and blundered around asking for help, it took me a long time to get a real answer. And I am still so thankful that I got it.

If you're one of those new people who is just jumping on the bandwagon a little early, and somehow crash-landed here- welcome!  

What you should know: Please keep in mind that everyone's Paleo is different. Add to that you're depending on a bunch of faceless Internet strangers for advice. What you get will probably be an awful  conglomeration of witticisms, in-jokes, and crazy acronyms, some stuff that is well-meant but comes from people who have only been doing this a week or so longer than you have and needs to be taken with (a few) grains of salt, some stuff from people who are 100% Paleo, no exceptions (and insist that is the ONLY WAY) and some stuff that is actually helpful to you. Keep that stuff. Toss the rest. And for heaven's sake, read the books. Read Practical Paleo: if you're attached to dairy, read the Primal Blueprint too. If you want, read Wheat Belly for good measure. Make sure you draw your own conclusions. 

When I started, I cut out grains immediately, and the results were shockingly obvious, only a few days later. Sugar came next: although I was more lax about that than I should have been for longer than I care to admit! The best advice I can give: clean out your cupboards, stick with what you are familiar with that's Paleo approved, do your best to plan for contingencies, and just live. Most of us are so distanced from the way our bodies communicate with us, stuff that should be instinctive- Hunger. Thirst. Fatigue. Illness. Aches and pains. Crankiness.  These are just taken for granted, and are usually considered inconveniences, or something to overcome, if you think about them at all. I now look at them like road signs. Years of dieting had taken away any ability I had to heed most of these signs. I was "supposed" to be hungry all the time, and I was "supposed" to drink as much water as possible, whether I was thirsty or not. I now eat when I am hungry. I drink when I am thirsty. Amazing!

The best advice I can give: It will become instinctive- just eat, and eat simply. Get used to cooking at home if that's not usually your thing. Get used to asking a lot of questions at restaurants. Take "before" measurements and pictures. Get some bloodwork done, and a physical too, if you're n top of that stuff. Try a few recipes, but also build on stuff that seems familiar. You don't need to run out and buy a bunch of liver and coconut flour. 

There are plenty of great things to snack on, and often the Paleo "replacement foods" for baked goods will lead you to be more susceptible to the real thing. On the other hand, screwing up once in awhile, or enjoying the 80/20, can be a powerful motivator: both positive and negative. Don't torment yourself, just forge ahead, and take note of the changes in your body: good or bad. Ditch the grains and load up on veggies and fruits: the stuff you like. Figure out what you will conserve on and where you will splurge- will you join a CSA, hit the farmers market, prowl the aisles of Whole Foods and Trader Joe's checking every ingredient on packaging?  You'll have tons of time to practice, to figure out what works for you, and it will soon be second nature. Then you can worry about tweaking your exercise routine and macronutrient ratios and body fat percentages. Be patient: we are all different. Just respect your body and forge ahead; and if you have questions, shoot me an email. I solemnly swear to answer to the best of my ability, or refer you to a trusted source if I can't.