Coasting

I admit, my focus hasn't been where it should be. The rest of this month may or may not be the same. Essentially, here is what is going on:

If you read my story at MDA, you know that SG and I have wanted to have children- basically from the beginning. 10 years later, we still don't have any. A huge part of our reasoning to moving to the Bay Area was that some of the best fertility specialists in the world are here, and SG would be in a position to make more money. So we would be able to afford any necessary, expensive, not covered by insurance procedures that would arise.

Three years later, we have enough savings to dive in and do this. And I totally panicked.

Ironically, now that I am more careful about what food I consume, I was now a LOT more leery about shooting myself full of chemicals.  Wanting to become a healthy parent was the main reason I began eating Paleo. I felt like going to a reproductive endocrinologist was "giving up", in a sense- going backwards. It's against just about everything I believe. My acupuncturist felt certain that I would be able to get pregnant without intervention, and over two years I have watched my window of opportunity shrink more and more, until I finally did preliminary testing a few months ago, and realized the horrible truth: if I wanted a conventional pregnancy, with my own DNA, I couldn't afford to wait any longer- and may have waited too long as it was. 

Using science to get pregnant, as it turns out, requires a lot more thought than just drinking too many margaritas and forgetting to take a pill- at least in my case. I've been poked, prodded, given up samples of just about any bodily fluid they could come up with, screened for pretty much everything under the sun, and spent enough time in the stirrups to potentially qualify as a cowgirl. Yeehaw!

I don't even want to talk about the stress. Money and emotions and stress are a REALLY crappy mix. Your self-image takes a horrible beating. In dark moments, you wonder if you even qualify as a woman.

People say amazingly awful things to you. I mean yeah: we could adopt. But the truth of the matter is, people typically have the need to want to reproduce. They want to further THEIR genes. It's a trait we share with pretty much every other species on this Earth, and logic has little or nothing to do with it. Otherwise, emperor penguins would not be huddling on a glacier in a blizzard, balancing an egg on their feet while losing half their body weight, and getting eaten by seals. They'd be all, "SCREW this, I am going to Starbucks!"

So anyway. I wanted to keep this separate, (and I will spare you the gory details) but I can't seem to focus on anything else. If you want the deets, they are on my other blog (I mentioned it a few posts ago. :)

 This is a huge part of my life right now, and I am actually shocked at how much it ties in. Because 5 years ago, I followed the same drug protocol. And it made me CRAZY.  Like suicidally, unable to get out of bed, can only eat cookies, screaming at my husband over the inferior way he folded the underwear, crying incessantly CRAZY. It also made me gain tons and tons of weight- which yes, may have had something to do with the cookies, but also probably the fact that my hormones were completely out of control, and I was injecting even more of them into myself daily. At one point, I developed so much cystic acne under my jawline and chin that I was in unbelievable pain- to the point that I didn't want to leave the house, and just sat around with an ice pack under my chin. Sound super-attractive? Oh yeah. 

Now imagine that you are married to that person. And that it is taking all your disposable income to make this happen, for something that has a 30% chance (or lower) of working. So not only do you have the emotional stress of infertility, you have financial stress as well.  And it all turned out not to work. That's a lot of hell to go through- for nothing.

Understandably, I was not anxious to do that again. Neither was SG. But we decided the risk was worth it- and that if we didn't take it, we would have the rest of our lives to regret it.

So here we are. I am pleased to say that my current experience has been immeasurably better- my doctor and his crew are awesome- not the case last time. AND I am emotionally stable- occasional highs and lows, but nothing like last time on the emo front. SG is happy to confirm this- I have been somewhat irritable and weepy, but not too crazy- and while I have moments, they are only temporary. Thank God (and Paleo!) for that.

So: if you're wondering what happened to all the shiny-happy posts about bicycling and making iced tea, that's what's going on. Hopefully I will be back to my old self and focused enough to write about something else soon. I am squirreling away pics of my culinary exploits and book and product reviews, so I'll have material- as soon as I get my head above water!

Testing, 1,2,3

Oh Cholesterol. We meet again, you saucy minx!

If you looked at my LadyGrok FB page, you saw that I got some good news today. Test results were back!

Cholesterol is not something that I am naturally gifted at. I have a couple of strikes against me: I am one of these lucky people who has the hereditary kind of high cholesterol- the kind your docs will tell you, only statins can lower.

I do not want to take statins. My parents both take them. Many people on the maternal side of my family take them. Guess what? Statins can supposedly reduce some of your risk- if you're male. Statins are not correlated with the same proven health results for women. They do, however, have a whole bunch of really unpleasant potential side effects. Here's a list of the "most common" (so, by no means all of them) from WebMD:

• Headache
• Difficulty sleeping
• Flushing of the skin
• Muscle aches, tenderness, or weakness (myalgia)
• Drowsiness
• Dizziness
• Nausea and/or vomiting
• Abdominal cramping and/or pain
• Bloating and/or gas
• Diarrhea
• Constipation
• Rash

Ok. I mean, you can live with those. But then, there's this: 

"Statins also carry warnings that memory loss, mental confusion, high blood sugar, and type 2 diabetes are possible side effects. It's important to remember that statins may also interact with other medications you take."
 
Plus, no more delicious grapefruit.  I'll risk it.

I believe that cholesterol is an indicator, but not the end-all be all, and putting so much weight on one major lab value (and one that I feel isn't fully understood) is so incredibly frustrating. After all, your body needs cholesterol to function. I had "high cholesterol" when I weighed 50 lbs. less than I do now, did an hour of high intensity cardio daily, and ate less than 25 grams of fat and 1200 calories a day like it was my religion. I did this for over a year. My cholesterol tested at 250. I was told to watch my fat intake and exercise more. Thanks, Medical Science. (FAIL!!)

I know for a fact that my cholesterol levels negatively impacted my quest to get privately insured earlier this year. That plus my weight freaked insurance adjusters out. They were convinced I was going to have a stroke at any second.

So now that I am finally, FINALLY covered by insurance again (Thank you, Kaiser!) I was super-worried about what those tests would say about me now.

You see, in January, I was pretty confident. I had taken my diet super-low carb, as advocated in the forums.  I was avoiding fruit, dairy, sugars, and anything starchy. Leafy green veggies and the occasional carrot were pretty much my jam.

So when I went to a naturopath, and he wanted me to get labs drawn, I was confident that my numbers would be phenomenal. (And just in case, I was "off the grid" since I was paying out of pocket- thank goodness!!!)

And boy howdy, were they phenomenal! I got a combined cholesterol of 309. LDL 202, HDL 83, Trigs 121. I also got some weird liver panels, and a flag on my ratio of T3-T4.

Now, I did my research. While the numbers were scary, my ratios weren't bad. Back in the day, when I was on Accutane, I had to be taken off because my trigs went through the roof- I think they tested around 400. But still! This was definitely disheartening. Once again, research: going VLC (very low carb) has this effect on some people. The general consensus- that I was in the middle of clearing crap out of my system, and basically took a snapshot of my levels while my body was freaking out and adjusting. OK.

It took a month or two of experimenting to realize that VLC and fasting weren't putting a dent in the scale, and I was sick of being exhausted all the time. So I added back some fruits and starchy veggies, butter, and cheese. I immediately felt much better. And now, I have the numbers to prove it.

Combined cholesterol: 235. I haven't had a number that low since I was in my 20's. HDL 62, LDL 153, Trigs 101. That's a 74 point drop in just over 6 months, y'all! And my ratios are still good. Happiness! Next time around, I will get a VAP test, to see if my LDL is anything I need to worry about. It's a deal. 

As was posted on Facebook earlier- Paleo eating works. I feel healthier because I AM healthier. Hooray!

Call Me

This has been one of those days when from the very beginning, it's been kind of a throw-away. I was woken up by the neighbors having an argument at 5AM. Couldn't get back to sleep. SG and I ended up getting dressed and going out for breakfast. We hadn't gotten a lot of sleep anyway, so we both mechanically chewed our way through eggs and diner hash like zombies.

It actually started last night- I got some medical test results back that were contradictory, and basically, potentially devastating to my plans to have biological children. Or, it could be fine! It just depends on how my doctor's office wants to interpret the values. They might very well refuse to help me, based on these numbers. If that's the case, I will go in another direction.  I haven't waited this long to accept being denied on the basis of numbers on a piece of paper.

But in the meantime, I have nothing to go on, I have done all the crying and agonizing that I will allow myself to do. So I just have to sit tight and wait it out.

I called the doc's office and left a message with their service. I am sure there's something more nerve wracking than waiting for a call back on a Friday, but I don't care to know what it is right now. If I have to agonize over this all weekend with no answer, I seriously don't know what I will do. All I seem capable of doing is staring at the phone, willing it to ring, and furiously googling.

The good news is though, that there are accounts of women with numbers worse than mine, getting pregnant. Other good news- I am not eating ice cream. That's a testament to my mental fortitude, and cannot be overlooked.

If they don't call me back soon, I am going to lose my MIND and....shank a manatee?! Yes, that sounds satisfying.

Doctor Doctor

Wait, how much saturated fat do you eat?!!

I dread doctor's appointments.

I suppose a big part of it is the getting weighed part, which I hate. And the lectures. About my weight.

New docs are typically the worst. And as I just got new insurance (through Kaiser) and was going to a brand new doc's office for my preliminary visit: Ugh.

Pleasant surprise #1: I actually managed to FIND the office. The OB/GYN offices at Kaiser are on the second floor, but you have to follow certain colored tiles and take a specific elevator, or you're hosed. As I had never been there before, I had to rely on the kindness of MULTIPLE strangers to get me there. (The initial kind stranger sent me to the ER. Oops.)

Pleasant surprise #2: They have a high-tech, digital scale. No more weird, awkward conversations where I have to ask someone to move the lower weight on the standard issue scale up a mark or three.  "I never would have guessed you weighed that much!" Um...thanks? Happily, not an issue. "Beep!" That was it. Win.

Pleasant surprise #3: My blood pressure has gone down. 108/80? Usually, I am around 120/70 or 120/80. I guess I have Wii Walk It Out to thank for that.

Pleasant surprise #4: I like my new doctor. She listened, was nice to talk to, and ordered the testing panels that I wanted. (A LOT of tests!) And let's face it- a Pap is never really something you consider a pleasant experience. This was no exception, but at least it wasn't horribly uncomfortable.

The only fly in the ointment: At the end, I thanked her for her approach, and her discretion in not giving me The Fat Lecture.  "Oh- well, your exercise habits seem good. But yes, we will be discussing that down the road!" she said, cheerily. (Cue distant ominous thunderclap.)  And she hasn't gotten a look at my cholesterol results yet. I am getting my speech about declining statins all prepared.

Then on the way out, I ended up joining forces with a group of 5 people who were also desperately searching for the exit. Which would have been funny, if it wasn't so freaking sad That place is like a rabbit warren.

Ironically, the next errand was to pick up our CSA veggie and pastured meat orders from Tara Firma Farms. Lots of nice salad greens, and a stripey cucumber that looks like a variety of gutah!

Meat order was especially good this week too: a pastured chicken, pork sausage with apples in it, and some ground beef. Yum!  

I tossed all that into the fridge, then made a stop at Ross (I had an hour to kill).


I am trying to update my summer wardrobe. I've been wearing the same clothes for the last few summers- something most other people would probably take for granted, but having clothes fit me reliably from one summer to the next is still something that blows my mind. I picked up some cute tops and some summer dresses.

I also had a hilarious experience when I tried on a crazy pair of shoes. These suckers were HIGH. I'd estimate 6 inch wedge heels- white open toed sandals with a basket-weave sole, and on the very back of the heels, about 20 multicolored leather flowers, each anchored with a metal stud. Please keep in mind that I am 37, and not a drag queen, and I have nowhere to wear them, but they were on CLEARANCE. And I just had to know. I live in an area where expensive yoga pants and flip-flops are de rigeur. But these things were pretty extreme by any standards.

So I am standing there in front of the shoe mirror, basically over 6 feet tall and wearing a tiny backyard on each foot, and a mom with two little boys following her like ducklings walks by. The oldest was about four. He stopped and took a long look at my feet, and then reluctantly moved on when his mom called to him. Little bro- probably 2, close to three- just stopped and stared, mouth open, completely flabbergasted, for a good minute. Words had completely escaped him. I said to him, "Fancy shoes, huh?" and he just nodded mutely. Mom kept calling him, and finally walked back over to where I was, and picked the little guy up, laughing.  Never underestimate the power of shoes!

Next stop- Haircut. My hair was getting completely out of control. I probably hadn't gotten a trim in 6 months. I finally managed to make an appointment with my hair guru, and while we agreed to take three inches off, I would guess the total had to be closer to 5 or 6. I needed it though. Behold!

I think it's a pretty good Before and After- and yes. I brushed my hair that morning. 

 Yesterday, while people were out celebrating and relaxing, SG and I put up the flag, then joined forces and got some much-needed cleaning done. We did take a break mid-day, so we could feast. Grass-fed cheese burgers! He grilled, and I made the salad. 

As I was putting the finishing touches on our plates, he bought in the burgers, fresh from the grill. And mentioned that one of our neighbors had complimented him on the smells that typically waft out our kitchen window at dinnertime. Our neighbor is divorced, and has custody of his eight-year-old son.

"I feel bad," said SG. "They were sitting out front, eating tuna-fish sandwiches. Can we...?" And he motioned to the plate of burgers with his free-hand. We'd grilled up two pounds of grassfed beef. There was plenty to share.

   

We made up a plate and SG took it over. I hope they liked it! 

Chicken is on the menu for tonight. I don't know what I would do without my CrockPot.