Melting

I had a meltdown last night. A lot of it had to do with those awful pictures I took. Poor SG kept trying to talk me down, and I just kept freaking out. I feel like I am deluding myself. All these grand plans and resolutions, all this effort, and I have only managed to lose 15 lbs after nearly 3 years of eating Primally. Granted, not being able to exercise (aside from walking) is probably a big part of it.

Another part: when I finally picked up the PB, conventional wisdom had utterly failed me. Caloric restriction and heavy cardio had no effect on the climbing scale, and it wasn't muscle gain, not at over 200 lbs. When I went to the doctor, they got my thyroid results back, (all clear) and told me I wasn't being honest with myself.  

So here I am: leptin resistant, and feeling helpless. Trying to heal the damage I have inflicted on my body (Damage I inflicted in the name of getting healthy!) the best I can. This is why weight is a crappy measurement of health, because I am in a much better place than I was when I started my weight loss journey. At 250 lbs, I had no clue I was gluten intolerant. I had no idea that my facial breakouts and blotching were the result of my diet, I thought it was normal to be sick all the time, and I had honestly accepted my fate.

And then, I went to a big family gathering, and this picture was taken. SG and I had been married for a few years: he'd had no weight problem beforehand.  Both his parents have type 2 diabetes, though, and they are both big people. And when I saw this picture, and realized that I was just going to get bigger, and bigger, and that I wasn't just doing this to myself- that was it.

Conventional wisdom worked well: at first. I got down to about 211 lbs: and I did it through eating 1200 calories a day and frantic cardio. If I missed a day or ate a meal in a restaurant, I would gain. I was incredibly cranky all the time- probably because I was starving.  At least I realized that fat improved satiety, and so I would allow myself 1/2 c. whole milk on my double serving of Fiber One (plus a Splenda packet) every day.

But if I ever broke routine, I would stall. Or gain. And eventually, even if I continued the routine, I gained: no matter what.  And then my hair started falling out. I got recurrent infections. I was a stressed out mess, and nothing I tried seemed to help. The doctors I went to couldn't find anything wrong, and decided the answer was "stress." Great.

To put things in perspective,this picture was taken after I had been eating Primally a little more than a year and a half. Even though SG was only riding my coattails foodwise, the difference is kind of amazing. I am 15 lbs. lighter in this picture, but to me, it looks like I've lost twice that amount. The horrible puffy, blotchy face is gone. I have a waist again. And I felt so much better!

So: even though I am not having the weight loss that I want: I can never go back. I accept that all I can do is try to be healthy as possible and heal my body.  And perhaps my appointments this week will help to explain why that hasn't happened yet. That instead of being a cause of my health problems, my weight might be a symptom. It's such a convenient answer for everything...in a strange way, I am terrified that I will finally have an answer. That the thing that I have constantly fought, and which has essentially poisoned my life in so many way, ever since adolescence, could actually be explained, and dealt with. It may be irrational, but I never said I was rational in the first place!!!

The good news today:  I survived a trip or Trader Joe's (heinously crowded!!!) AND 1/4 of the Christmas weight I re-gained is gone. I also met all my New Year's goals yesterday. Perhaps subconsciously, none of my goals were to lose weight- they were to walk daily with the dogs and SG, to weigh in and log my food daily, to blog 3-5 times a week, to be in bed by 11PM, and to follow the Leptin Prescription and cut out sugar. If I do my best, and still don't lose weight, at least I will be healthier at the end of it, and know that I am doing my best. Good lord, I sound like a sappy Hallmark card.